sentimental hardass
  sentimental hardass  

A ''how to'' guide.

 Tuesday, May 16, 2006

"The government responded, both orally and in biting, that Thomson's motion had no merit."

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 9:22 PM

 Saturday, February 11, 2006

You don't get a smidgen of my fudge
unless you stay for the picnic.
The Night of the Hunter

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 11:50 PM

 Tuesday, January 24, 2006

So I think I'm completely in the Rock, nothing but the primal cool of I Love Rock N' Roll filling my world... and then I nearly blow it all because I got distracted by the lead singer's sweet ass. Her sweet, digital, Playstation ass, that is.

But I still raaawk!!!

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 12:21 AM

 Sunday, September 11, 2005

"Crazier than Walter Matthau speakin' Spanish in a pimp hat!"

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 9:02 PM

 Sunday, April 03, 2005

The wisdom of Martha Stewart continues to uplift America: "There's a whole page on how to smile naturally."

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 10:40 PM

"I'm kinda down on melons."

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 10:39 PM

 Sunday, March 06, 2005

I threw away a pair of underwear with one small hole, just under the band. Do I still get to keep my penis?

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 10:08 PM

 Sunday, July 25, 2004

I saw Al Franken. I said "Hi, Al."

He said "Hi," back.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 11:58 PM

 Sunday, July 11, 2004

Lo, a new light shines forth in the peaceful land of breakfast cereals,
as the gods of all that is tasty and crunchy in milk smile upon their grateful followers:

Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Peaches

Light and sweet, it's appealing to grownups while reminding them of the fun of being a kid. Proof that the gods of breakfast cereals are loving and benevolent gods.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 4:39 PM

 Saturday, April 24, 2004

My comedy gift to the world: "Queer Eye for the Jedi"

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 7:53 PM

 Wednesday, March 03, 2004

"You have long fingers."
"I've never thought of them as being really long, especially in comparison to the rest of my hand."
"Your hands are well proportioned. Strong, large... They're very sexy."
"That explains all the masturbating."

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 6:49 PM

 Sunday, October 26, 2003

Why is the New Me always older than the Old Me?

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 11:43 PM

 Monday, September 08, 2003


posted by the sentimental hardass @ 2:07 AM

 Monday, June 30, 2003

I had a dream about a beautiful woman I dated before. She wanted to marry me, but, since she's a space alien, that meant building a special home that seemed to involve a giant, liquid-filled tank. I was conflicted.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 10:34 AM

 Friday, June 06, 2003

Quote of the day: "The best way to learn is by doing, and I really want to learn about you."

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 11:01 AM

 Monday, June 02, 2003

Dumb and gross
Cool but more even gross, and finally
Dumb again

Dumb: instead of discarding the floss into the wastebasket, unleashing a torrent of spit in it's place.
Cool: catching it all, in my hand, thanks to my cat-like reflexes.
Dumb: putting my hand under the running faucet to wash away large the pool of spittle without remembering that it's full-on hot water at that moment.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 12:17 AM

 Saturday, May 24, 2003

So, yes, she caught me eye right away. An impressive form. The presentation was a bit obvious, though, in a way that made me wonder what I'd be getting myself into. But, being thankfully dumb AND goaded into it by another hot girl, I plunged in.

And my expectations were confounded. She's smart, educated and professional, but somehow there's still this dizzy/ditziness hanging in a cloud around her. It's really disorienting. She's fun to talk to. Nothing earthshaking, no spooky instant connection or anything, but one of my better bar chatter experiences, despite the excess of cigarettes she smokes and the 4 years she's got on me.

In the course of the conversation, it comes out that she's got a progressive vision problem that diminishes her vision from the periphery in. There is a very meaningful chance that she will end up much worse off than the say, 60-70% percent blind she is now. That comes out maybe an hour before I pay for our drinks and each of us leaves.

What kinds of things she hopes for in relationships came out here and there. She's a long term thinker. So am I, and my long term views of the possibilities presented were dramatically complicated by her condition.

Without her vision problem, go/no go would have been a close call. Nothing wrong, or even close to the line, happened that night, and I really do, in a purely objective sense feel that not pursuing was the right decision based on my wants and needs, but at the same time I can't shake the feeling that fear of loving a blind person, fear of my own inability to cope with that situation, factored into the decision. And that makes me feel really fucking low.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 1:33 PM

 Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Berry Burst Cheerios with real strawberries

Absolutely vile... until I took out all the freeze dried strawberries. Then it was really damn good. Seriously.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 9:04 PM

 Saturday, May 03, 2003

I swear to god this is real. I just saw the preview tonight in front of X2 while out with Howard and others.

Movie from the directors of Shallow Hal and Something About Mary. Premise: This is the story of a pair of conjoined brothers (AKA "Siamese twins") who have their own legs and arms, but are joined by nine inches at the hip/torso (sharing a liver) who have used their "disability" throughout life to great advantage, such as in sports, where they were a great hockey goalie and wrestling champion. Their happy union is threatened however, when Walt (Kinnear) wants to go to Hollywood to become an actor... so the other twin, Bob (Damon), follows him begrudgingly, because they've pledged to never split up the perfect team. When they get to Los Angeles, the duo soon finds themselves landing a job on a TV show starring Cher (playing herself), which results in quick fame and fortune, but will the new changes in their lives ultimately drive the twins apart? (Mendes plays an actress who becomes Kinnear's romantic interest when they get to L.A.; Streep plays herself playing the character of "Nurse Ratched" in the theatrical play version of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest")

The preview fades to black...

Howard: THAT might offend someone.
SH:       Maybe two.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 2:13 AM

 Sunday, April 27, 2003

You keep thinking I know things, when really I'm making it up as I go along.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 11:00 PM

 Saturday, April 12, 2003

3 things about me that have been cited as reasons by 3 different women for breaking off budding relationships with me:

1) I'm not in her (Christian) church.
2) I don't eat meat.
3) I'm not Jewish.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 3:05 PM

 Wednesday, February 12, 2003

The party I'm not throwing
because a troublemaker hoodwinked me into ditching it for the party she's going to. Bah.

I had this plan for an intimate home-cooked dinner this Friday with a potential special someone, but that plan has been officially screwz0red!

So, I had my half-day of pouting, and now I'm hitting my defiant phase: "Screw that! I'm doin' it anyway!"

I'm thinking Thai noodle stuff, all hot and spicy with peanuts and all the crazy veggies! And you know what? I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TO DO IT! But I'm doin' it anyway! Hell, I'll probably have to buy six or eight new utensils just to do it, but you know what, why the fuck not?!

Come on out. See my new house! Help make yummy food! Help EAT yummy food! Get really snookered on good booze (especially if you bring it)! This'll even be an excuse to finally mount my dart board.

Everyone that gets this is invited, especially if you're single. I won't keep couples out, but I just might shoot you a dirty look, so there, hah!


posted by the sentimental hardass @ 10:13 PM

Don't kiss me like a friend.
It hurts too much.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 10:44 AM

 Sunday, February 02, 2003

Watching your own sinuous band of blood flowing down the drain
to remind you of your stupidity.

Huddled up under the showerhead, the hot spray needling into my back. The familiar tension noted in my knee, the sign of one of those truly stupendous clucks that would be loud enough to be heard even over the shower. Countervailing muscles tensed to position the joint just so, and then the whip of contraction that would bring the guilty release of popping the joint.

Or maybe it'll slam the back of my foot into the open metal mouth of the faucet and scoop out a tight triangular chunk of heel.


Gee, just what I'd always wanted, a bloody footprint in my carpet!

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 1:36 PM

 Friday, January 31, 2003

I always spell grey as grey. A's are high, pure, bright and brilliant, devoid of nuance, of shading, of shadow. E's are midline, conflicted. E's are steel wool, or, even at their most ostentatious, brushed aluminum. A's are the canary's yellow. They are not grey.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 12:54 PM

 Wednesday, January 15, 2003

How many funerals did I need to contemplate this week? Too much sweat. Too much worry. Too many mornings waking up with the same dread I fell asleep with.

The dead are dead, and the live are living. Just one player switched teams this week--thought I was looking at two.

But one still has a twitchy look about her, like she can't get comfortable in her jersey, and wonders if the other is a better fit. I think she wonders if switching sides would be easier than playing hard enough to keep the slot on the team she's on.

Fuck you. You made a promise.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 9:43 PM

 Sunday, January 12, 2003

I spoke to my folks earlier today, and things are coming to an end for my grandmother, my last grandparent. She's at home, and always has at least one of her children with her, but it's definitley coming to the end. A few years ago she was very healthy, but serious kidney problems began poisoning her. Now she's sleeping around 22 hours a day, can't swallow enough to eat anything and won't take more than a mouthful of water. The hospice nurse that's helping my family with her at home says her inability to swallow is a symptom of the growing disconnection between her nervous system and the rest of her, as her body shuts down. Until now she's always remained at least somewhat engaged with the people around her. She's already outlasted her prognosis several fold, but now there's no way around the end. She may be holding out to see her youngest son again, who was absent during the holidays. He's coming tonight.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 7:56 PM

I got to do some tear-down/demolition work tonight at a friend's home. Ripping out paneling, cabinets, integrated shelving, and cieling work. Lots of shattering wood with sledgehammers, rending metal with our own muscles, and the prodigious production of loud noises amid barely acknowledged showers of smashed wood and bent nails.

Damn that was great.

We didn't talk a whole lot--didn't need to, didn't want to.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 2:36 AM

 Saturday, December 21, 2002

So, did I smile and laugh? Did I tell your friends funny stories? Did I cheer and join in the toasts? Did I make it look like it didn't hurt at all?

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 3:13 AM

 Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Mark, one of the most consistently decent people I've met in recent months, just got his ass chewed on for daring to speak to another person in a social setting. She asked him where he went to school, and not liking the (flatly delivered) answer, proceeded to mock his school and declared that her local friends considered it the worst of it's class of schools. After a moment of stunned reassessment, including a "don't ask me" look from her companion, I stepped into the breach.

Me: "Well, Mark, you've missed an opportunity to belittle her education, as she did yours. I'm not sure that speaks well of you, Mark."

the bitch: "Oh, sorry. [to Mark:] Gee, I'm so impressed you went to a private school. [to me:] There, was that better?"

Me: "No, that was not very flattering," I said with prolonged eye contact and a distant smile.

I watched her teeter, momentarily unsure if I was evaluting how her comment reflected upon her audience or her self, and eventually I saw the realization cross her face that to attack me for saying her behavior was damningly rude would highlight the viciousness she objected to me pointing out in her.

She put on her coat and left without speaking another word, with her embarrassed-looking friend in tow.

My smile remained.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 1:32 AM

 Sunday, November 17, 2002

Having done both less than 48 hours apart, I can say from experience that buying a house was more stressfull than getting a root canal.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 2:41 PM

 Friday, November 01, 2002

Inspired by a post at CrookDimwit, I decided to be Full Size Candy Bar Guy, that most beloved example of Halloween givers.

So, off to the store. Snickers, Snickers Crunchers, Heath bars, Nestle Crunch, Reese's Peanut Butter cups, Butterfinger, Hershey Bars, Nutrageous, Kit Kat and a back-up bag of Fast Break (new one to me) in case the 2 or 3 of each variety was insufficient.

That looks awfully yummy in the blue plastic basket. Lots of kid happiness in there just waiting to be distributed. What else do I need? Hmm, Chapstick. Hmm... nothing much else... Hmm, weekend, party...

No, even for me, adding condoms to this basket might look a little too weird at the checkout.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 5:11 PM

 Monday, October 14, 2002

I dream in color
The latest noteworthy one was a graceful flying dream, indoors and outdoors, in a sort of corporate campus setting in which the buildings had large atriums. Imagine using leaning to direct motion, and breath control to influence height. That's what it felt like, not necessarily how it was being accomplished in the dream. Speeds ranged from slow to medium, with control being subtle and influential rather than absolute and instantaneous.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 4:46 PM

 Sunday, September 29, 2002

This is not a diet weekend
Best new thing: French vanilla ice cream with a peach liqueur drizzled over it. Best old thing: slice of pizza from a great little family joint in a crappy little mall. A very nice moment of relaxation after running around all day with a realtor. Great realtor, friend of the family, implicit trust, a fierce advocate for my interests, a fountain of energy and experience, revealing solid opportunities all over. Now I just gotta get over my allergy to debt...

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 9:56 PM

 Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Who else woke up in the back of a pick-up this weekend?
When in Richmond... Had a good time in points south. Nicole's BF Ray hooked Nicole, me, and Johnny with fantastic seats to the Richmond Braves game, six or so rows up and right behind home plate, right in with all the players' cuties. Yes, even the minor leaguers get big league babage. Ray explained it: "They have to be ready--you never know when they're going to get called up to the majors." Ahh...

Other than that, it was drinking, pool, darts and way too much eating. 2.5 weeks after bottoming out, I'm up 6 pounds. BEEFCAKE! Actually, I'm already down two from there, and probably one more before this weekend. Still, it's time to reign in the weekend indulgences a bit.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 2:20 PM

 Monday, August 12, 2002

Migrating bruises at the sunflower store

I have willingly ended up in a candle store, in a mall. I'm there with my dear old friend Nicole and her boyfriend, Ray, because Nicole is nut for anything sunflower related and they have a sale on all kinds of sunflower paraphernalia. Somehow this years-long discussion about bruises comes up again.

SH: "Oh no, I believe it happens to you, I just think you're a freak. Normal people's bruises do not wander around their bodies."
Nicole: "I'm SO serious. It really happens a lot."
Turning to the new inductee in the debate...
SH: "Ray, do your bruises move around?"
Ray: "Yup."
SH: "I can't believe this."
I turn to the 17-ish white-girl-dread-sportin' cashier-girl.
SH: "Do your bruises move around?"
She looks up from the register, only with her eyes, which flit back and forth among the three of us, nervously.
white-girl-dread-sportin' cashier-girl: "All the time."
SH: "!!!"
I throw my hands up in the air.
SH: "Fine, I'm the only one, it's just me. Even my bruises are sedentary."

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 8:34 AM

 Saturday, August 10, 2002

I wanted to watch her walk all the way to me, but there was no point in even trying to resist the crook of that one little finger.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 3:13 PM

SH: Did you buy a subscription?
Mike: Uh, why yes, yes I did! =D
SH: You paid for internet porn! DUMBASS.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 2:48 PM

 Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love

Sometimes the spirit of a great work of words can be carried in one of its lines. Other times a Great Line has to escape from the context that carried it for its greatness to flourish. I just wrote in an e-mail about a great line that, hologram-like, contains a complete image of the work its springs from.

The above line is not like that.

That one needed to be ripped loose from a fun but forgettable song. Alone, it rewards contemplation in ways it does not when part of the song. Good stuff. Let it wander through your mind.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 10:05 PM

So I'm standing next to her relatives and she says something under her breath about not telling them certain stories. But I can't tell what stories since she's mumbling it under her breath. Okay.
A bit later I ask her what I'm not supposed to be telling them, and she tells me. SUCKER!

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 12:40 AM

 Tuesday, August 06, 2002

metro flirtations

SH: Are you really wearing matching toe jewelry?
Her: Yes we are. Tar-get!
SH: Perfect! I have none, though. No jewelry at all, no piercings, no tattoos.
Her: Then you are a rare breed. But you're in the military, right?
SH: Hah, no. It's just me. <smiling> And I'm okay with that. </smiling>
A smile back...

This was about two weeks ago. It was late at night (last train), and she was with her (female) roomate, and the roomie had a random drunk guy in tow, who was kind of pawing at both of them. By the end of my section of the ride the one I was speaking to ended up looking like she was waiting to be rescued.

Thinking on it again, it's obvious now that I should have offered her a ride from where I got off, even though it might have involved an awkward moment of separation if I had interpretted her interests properly.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 11:48 PM

Gah. One of my least favorite moments: the twinned simultaneous understandings that A) you just did something really dumb and B) you're going to do it a lot.

Case in point: trying to use the mouse on your desktop pc to control the laptop next to it.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't dumb. It usually passes.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 11:35 PM

 Sunday, August 04, 2002

The sentimental hardass will confront you if you are smoking on an underground subway platform. Count on it. Especially if you're a drunk asshole. And he will be especially cordial when doing so, just because it will piss you off more.

posted by the sentimental hardass @ 11:23 PM

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